Empowering Women: Overcoming Impostor Syndrome and Self-Sabotage
Picture a fantastic woman at her workplace, pouring her heart into her tasks every day. She's smashing goals, meeting deadlines, and impressing everyone around her. But, despite the praise she hears from colleagues and bosses, there's a nagging voice inside her head saying, "You're not good enough. You're a fraud, and soon they'll find out."
Sound familiar? Welcome to the world of imposter syndrome.
Meet Maria: The Reluctant Achiever
To illustrate what imposter syndrome looks like, let's talk about Maria, who excels at various tasks at work. At her company, they have a recognition program where they celebrate and acknowledge the top employees. Almost every year, Maria is one of the individuals recognized not only by her colleagues but also by her supervisors. She consistently goes above and beyond, striving for perfection and excelling in everything she does at work.
So, when the employee recognition event arrives, everyone is thrilled. Maria's team is overjoyed for her. However, Maria is feeling overwhelmed, tense, and nervous. She's not comfortable at all. She'd rather not be there, not be recognized; she'd rather be anywhere else. And even though she receives positive feedback from others, all she can hear is an inner voice saying, "You have to do better next time." "Your success this time was just luck." "You can't do anything right." "You have to be perfect, or else everyone will see you as a fraud."
Maria, like countless women, is likely experiencing impostor syndrome.
Understanding Imposter Syndrome
So, what exactly is imposter syndrome? It's not just about work stuff; it can mess with your head in all kinds of situations, like with your family or in relationships. But it's widespread at work, especially for women. Imposter syndrome happens when even though you've done well, you still feel like you're not good enough or like you don't deserve your success. This makes you worry and stress out, and then you try even harder to be perfect, which makes things worse.
The "Four P's" of Imposter Syndrome
Imposter syndrome presents itself through what I like to call the "Four P's": perfectionism, procrastination, people-pleasing, and paralysis.
The Perfectionism Trap
Perfectionism kicks in when there's zero tolerance for mistakes. Even the smallest slip-up can send them into self-criticism mode. This often goes hand in hand with procrastination. They're afraid the task won't turn out perfect, so they just avoid it altogether.
People-Pleasing: Seeking Universal Approval
Then there's the struggle of being a people-pleaser. It's tough to say no or set boundaries because they're worried about how others will perceive them.
Paralysis: The Silent Saboteur
Lastly, there's paralysis. You feel stuck, unable to move forward. Maybe you want to achieve something at work, but the fear of imperfection holds you back. It's like a trap tied to both procrastination and perfectionism.
Roots of Imposter Syndrome
But how does imposter syndrome start? Childhood experiences often play a big part. Let's bring back Maria and rewind to her childhood. We'll try to understand what happened during her early years. Maybe Maria's parents tried hard to show care and affection when she achieved something. Let me paint a clear picture.
Imagine at home, Maria's parents always expected her to get straight A's. When Maria did get an A, instead of hearing, "Great job! I'm so proud of you," it was more like, "That's what you're supposed to do. You're a student; that's your only job." And if Maria got a B+, the response was, "What's wrong with you? You need to keep those A's. That's your only responsibility."
So, Maria understood that she needed to excel to be accepted. If she didn't do her best at school, it felt like no one would care about her. This led to her always striving to be perfect, not because she wanted to, but as a way to survive. I talked about how childhood experiences shape us in my previous video. So, if you haven't watched it yet, I recommend checking it out for more insights into how childhood affects us as adults.
Family Dynamics: The Silent Influence
Now, let's talk about Maria's family dynamics. She couldn't say no to her family's demands. For example, if her parents told her to be home every evening to help prepare dinner, she felt like she couldn't refuse. She felt responsible for her family's well-being. Saying no meant risking rejection and anger from her parents.
So, Maria graded her personality traits based on these childhood experiences. It's like a part of her inner child froze in time, but still operates in the present, wired by her childhood beliefs. For her, doing her best isn't about enjoying it; it's about survival, fearing rejection.
Even though peers and supervisors congratulate her, she can't fully believe it's because she's good at what she does. She thinks it's just what she's supposed to do, or maybe just luck.
This creates a lot of anxiety for Maria. Her self-esteem suffers, and she sabotages herself. Procrastination creeps in too. Maria constantly seeks external validation instead of trusting her abilities, which is where procrastination often sneaks in.
Coping Strategies: Empowering Women to Overcome Childhood Trauma
Both Emily and Anna developed coping mechanisms in response to their childhood trauma. Emily's relentless pursuit of perfection and Anna's avoidance of conflict are strategies they learned to cope with feelings of inadequacy and fear. However, these coping mechanisms come at a cost, leading to stress, anxiety, and a sense of disconnection from oneself. As Gabor Maté says, “Much of what we call personality is not a fixed set of traits, only coping mechanisms a person acquired in childhood”.
Six Steps to Overcoming Imposter Syndrome:
So, what can we do about this? Countless women have experienced or are experiencing imposter syndrome, especially in the workplace, and most of the time, they are not aware of it or experience it alone, grappling with challenging emotions without being able to name them. Thankfully, there are different tools to tackle it.
Acknowledge your achievements. With imposter syndrome, it's like you achieve something, and then it's on the next without taking a moment to recognize what you've done. It's important to take time to celebrate your accomplishments, whether it's writing them down, going for a walk, or meeting up with a friend.
Challenge those negative thoughts. Your brain may have been wired to doubt yourself, but you can challenge those thoughts. When someone compliments you, instead of immediately brushing it off, take a moment to question whether those negative thoughts are true.
Embrace imperfection. This can be tough, especially at work where perfection is often valued. But remember, you're only human, and you don't have to be flawless to be worthy of love and recognition.
Set realistic goals is another key step. Women with imposter syndrome often set unrealistic goals to challenge themselves harder. It's important to set goals that are achievable and manageable.
Self-care. Whether it's going for a walk, getting a massage, or spending time with friends, taking care of yourself is essential in combating imposter syndrome.
Therapy. While having a support network of friends and family is important, therapy for women provides a safe space to explore the roots of imposter syndrome and work on strategies to overcome it. With a compassionate and focused professional by your side, you can navigate through the challenges of imposter syndrome and emerge stronger.
Your Journey to Self-Discovery
If any of the symptoms discussed resonated with you, if you identified with Maria's story and the overwhelming feeling of being a fraud or sabotaging yourself, know that you're not alone. Together, we can work through these challenges, address the root causes of imposter syndrome, and develop effective strategies for overcoming it.
You can reach out to me at lucia@lucietherapy.com or through my website's contact page.
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Disclaimer: This podcast provides informative content and is not a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. It is important to consult a qualified mental health professional for personalized advice and support.