Is Motherhood Ambivalence Causing You Stress?: Find Clarity and Peace In Your Choice
If you've been feeling overwhelmed by thoughts about motherhood, you are not alone. Laura, a dear friend of mine, has found herself consumed by stress and anxiety as she navigates her feelings about having children. Although she doesn’t have a strong desire to become a mother, she carries a heavy guilt for not possessing the maternal instincts that so many others seem to enjoy.
On the flip side, there’s Ariana, who yearns to be a mother. Yet she grapples with fears about her ability to be a good parent and worries about losing her independence.
Can you relate? For both of these women, the pressure to make the "right" choice—heightened by societal expectations—only deepens their distress.
They experience sleepless nights, irritability, and an aching heart, just as you might. The truth is, the decision of whether or not to become a mother is deeply personal and often riddled with uncertainty. It’s a choice that impacts your identity, relationships, and core values. So, when societal expectations clash with your own desires and fears about the future, it can feel incredibly overwhelming. But know this: you are not alone, and your feelings are valid.
Society’s Voice vs. Your Inner Truth
Navigating the complex emotions around motherhood can be incredibly challenging, especially with all the societal expectations weighing on you. From a young age, you’ve likely heard messages suggesting that motherhood is the ultimate goal and a natural part of life. It can feel overwhelming when family, friends, and the media imply that choosing not to have children is “unnatural” or even “selfish.” It’s completely valid to feel uncertain when questioning this narrative.
You might find yourself gently asking:
“Do I truly want to have children, or am I simply feeling the pressure to fit into what others expect?”
“If I decide not to have kids, will I feel like something is missing in my life?”
On the other hand, there can also be fears about regretting the decision in the future. It’s not uncommon to worry, “What if I choose not to have children and then regret it?” These thoughts can be just as powerful, especially if you've heard stories from parents who, years later, express feelings of regret. For example:
“I love my children, but I wish I had taken more time for myself before I had kids.”
“I sometimes feel that my life would have been different—perhaps even better—if I hadn’t had children.”
“I wonder what my life would have been like if I had pursued my own dreams first.”
You may be thriving in your career and feeling accomplished, yet still questioning whether you’re making the right choices about motherhood. You might experience anxiety about a future without children or worry about regretting having children and missing out on travelling the world. Conversely, you may fear that if you don’t have children, there may be no one to care for you in the future. Additionally, in your family, the decision not to have children might be viewed as selfish, and you may often hear that every woman has a maternal instinct.
Various scenarios may swirl in your mind. You might feel exhausted, guilty, stressed, or confused at times. In some cases, you may endure sleepless nights trying to find the right answers to this challenging and stressful question.
The Push and Pull of Relationships
Navigating relationships can be a complex journey for you. While breaking free from societal expectations is an important step, the influence of your loved ones can complicate your decisions. Family members may express their hopes for grandchildren, and friends who are parents might unintentionally make you feel excluded. Even your partner likely has strong opinions about whether to have children, which can make this situation even more challenging.
I know that conversations about this decision can become emotionally charged, especially when the hopes and expectations of those around you clash with your own desires. It’s essential to remember that it’s perfectly okay for you to set boundaries and advocate for your needs. Remember, this is your future, and it is vital for you to honor what feels right for you.
You might find yourself feeling confused and lost in this dilemma, struggling with sleepless nights and difficulty concentrating at work. This can lead to frustration towards those close to you, making it even harder for you to navigate your emotions. Taking the time to identify your needs, articulate your hesitations, and establish clear boundaries can create space for authentic dialogue and mutual understanding. By doing this, you can move forward in a way that is true to who you are and what you want.
The Fear of Regret
Even after addressing external expectations, internal fears can persist—particularly the fear of regret. Regret is one of the most common emotions associated with ambivalence about motherhood. You might find yourself wondering:
"If I don’t have kids, will I feel lonely or unfulfilled later in life?"
"If I have children, will I lose the freedom I’ve worked so hard to achieve?"
These fears often arise from societal messages that equate motherhood with fulfillment and childlessness with emptiness. However, it is essential to remember that regret is a natural part of making choices in life.
No path is without uncertainty, but understanding your values and priorities can help guide your decisions.
One way to approach this is by dividing your fears into categories:
Future Regret: How will I feel about my decision in 20 years?
Current Regret: Am I sacrificing something important to me in the present?
Therapy can provide a compassionate space for you to explore whether your fears arise from your own personal values or are shaped by outside expectations. It's important to remember that everyone experiences regret at times; you are not alone in this feeling. The goal isn’t to avoid regret entirely, but to minimize it by choosing paths that truly resonate with who you are at your core. By processing these emotions in therapy, you can learn to face the fear of regret with greater ease and develop the confidence to trust your choices. It's a journey of self-discovery, and it's okay to seek support along the way
Exploring Your Own Narrative
To move past fear and find clarity, it can help to reconnect with your own story. Motherhood ambivalence is deeply personal, and exploring your inner story allows you to better understand what feels true to you. Consider using reflective practices like journaling or meditation to address questions such as:
What does motherhood mean to me beyond societal expectations?
How do I envision my life unfolding in 5, 10, or even 20 years?
What legacy do I want to leave behind?
For example, through journaling, you might uncover memories or desires that clarify your vision. Perhaps you’ve always loved nurturing others, or maybe independence and flexibility are central to your identity. Therapy offers a guided space to explore these narratives, helping you connect with your core values and break free from external “shoulds.”
Additionally, try visualizing both paths—life as a mother and life without children. Focus on the emotions each scenario evokes rather than just the logistical concerns. Does one path feel more fulfilling, energizing, or aligned with your current and future self?
Remember, there is no universal “right” answer. Motherhood ambivalence is not a reflection of inadequacy but rather a sign that you are deeply engaged in a decision that matters.
Now, imagine that we’re sitting together for a heartfelt conversation. You can share what’s on your mind, and I’ll be here to listen, validate your feelings, and remind you that it’s okay to reach out when things get tough.
Breaking the Cycle: How Therapy Can Help You Find Clarity in Ambivalence Around Motherhood
Self-reflection is invaluable, but it can sometimes feel overwhelming. This is where therapy can provide a supportive and compassionate environment to navigate feelings of ambivalence about motherhood. I create a nurturing space where you can explore these emotions with understanding and care. Below are the approaches I use to support you through this process
Understanding Your Ambivalence About Having Children (Psychodynamic Therapy)
Psychodynamic therapy helps uncover the emotional drivers of your ambivalence, exploring past experiences and unconscious patterns to bring clarity and peace to your decision.
Healing Guilt and Shame About Your Choices (Compassion-Focused Therapy)
Compassion-focused therapy helps shift guilt and shame tied to others’ expectations. By developing self-compassion, you’ll gain the freedom to choose with confidence and kindness.
Challenging Limiting Beliefs About Motherhood (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy - CBT)
CBT helps challenge limiting beliefs like “I should want children” or “I’m not sure I can be a good mother,” replacing them with empowering thoughts so you can make decisions true to yourself.
Reconnecting with Your Personal Identity (Mindfulness & Somatic Therapy)
Mindfulness and somatic therapy help you reconnect with your authentic self, providing clarity and self-awareness to navigate your decision with confidence.Healing from Past Experiences (Inner Child Work)
Inner child work helps heal unresolved childhood wounds, re-parenting yourself with love and care so you can find peace with your decision about motherhood.
Regulating Your Nervous System in the Decision-Making Process (Polyvagal Approach)
The Polyvagal Approach helps you regulate your nervous system, offering tools to stay grounded and make decisions from a calm, centred place.
Finding Support Along the Way
If you're feeling conflicted about motherhood, know that it's a completely normal experience—many people share these complex feelings, and it’s okay to acknowledge them. The journey can often feel overwhelming and isolating, but you don’t have to navigate it by yourself. There are supportive communities and resources out there that truly understand what you’re going through.
Therapy can be a comforting space where you can explore your emotions freely, without judgment. It provides you with the opportunity to:
Clarify your values and what truly matters to you during this time
Work through the fears of regret or uncertainty that may linger in your mind
Build your confidence in the choices you’re making for yourself and your family
Delve into your feelings in a compassionate and nurturing environment, where you can feel truly understood
Finding the right support not only helps you feel less alone but also empowers you to embrace your journey with greater clarity and strength.
A Compassionate Space to Decide
This journey is about finding a path that feels authentic and fulfilling to you. I provide a safe and empathetic environment where you can explore your thoughts and emotions regarding motherhood. Whether you are considering becoming a mother, leaning away from it, or feeling uncertain, therapy can help you gain the clarity and confidence you need to make a decision that aligns with your truth.
Take the first step towards healing today. You can reach out to me at lucia@luciatherapy.com or through my website's contact page to start your journey. Your journey is valid, and your decision matters. Let’s explore it together!